Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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