i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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