god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize