I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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