i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
