Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
