she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
