My nipple is on Facebook.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
