I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Randomize