you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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