I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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