Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
