If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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