I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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