I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
