Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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