You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If I die, sorry about rent.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
