1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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