Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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