she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
