im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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