i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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