Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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