You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
