Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
