Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
