No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
