we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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