Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
