i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
