After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
