White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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