i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
