Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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