I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize