so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
