After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
