I wish I only lived at night.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
