How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize