Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Randomize
