if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
