no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
