Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
