I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
