I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
