Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
