My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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