so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
