Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
