Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
