dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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