just come out here and I will go home with you...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
