Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
