that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
