just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize