On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
