a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
its liver damage thursday
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
