My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
