you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
