a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
