I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
