The maid of honor just puked.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
