the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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