just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
