i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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